Worries….

I've been asking my self, is law really my subject? How can I do law when I can't even fight for my own right. Don't mention my client's.

I cried a lot lately. I've been ask if I went to UK, who will take care of my dog? At first Lai Ming agree to take care of Yuki on behalf of me. But Lai Ming finally decided to go directly to Trinity College next year after national service, which means around July. By that time, I'm still at KL, and most probably I'll only leave KL to UK by September or October. This means no one will take care of my darling. Mommy dislikes Yuki. She's bias towards Baby. She doesn't even want Yuki to get near her sometimes. This is something that makes me mad. And for daddy, yes he do play with Yuki once a while, he do gives her junk food but he don't shower her. If I'm leaving to UK, no one will shower Yuki, no one will train her, no one will play with her and no one will clean her poo. Mommy says leave Yuki to the maid to take care. What if she hates her? What if she tortures her? What if she doesn't take good care of her? What if Yuki gets skin disease because of not well care? Who will trim her coat? Who will comb her coat? Who will groom her? What will Yuki be after I finish my course? How does she look like after my course? Will she be death by the time I came back to KL? Will she recognize me? Will she still be the well trained miniature schnauzer? I'm worry…

Am I being too jealousy? Or am I demanding for more? I'm the black sheep of the family. Everyone seems to outsmart me. Everyone seems to be more independent than me. Everyone seems to be brighter than me. I'm the ugliest, fattest, stupid-est, unbright-est and poorest in academic among us three sisters. I have no right to talk in the family sooner or later. I have no knowledge to share with my family. I have nothing but a whole mouth of shit. Things that I know, everyone knows ahead of me. Academic? I can never score better except for history. But history is something that no one will bother about. I won't need history for my university application. I won't need it for my career either. We don't even study local history anymore after high school. So who cares if I get A1 for history?

I have not much friends. Yes I do have lots of friends but they are mostly hi-bye friend. These friends will never ask for the reason behind my decision. They'll just want to know what the decision is. I envy Lai Kwan for having a whole lot of good friends. She have really good friend no matter where, USA, UK, Ireland, Singapore, Indonesia and Cambodia. I don't even have to mention Malaysia and Australia itself. These friends of hers give me an angle's image. They'll step out when ever she's in trouble. They'll cheer and congrats her for her success. They'll listen to her matter. They'll give her their hands if she needs them. They toast for her joy and mourn for her sorrow. I want a friend like this. I don't want many but one will be enough for me. I want a true good friend who could share my life. I want a friend who knows me well enough where we don't have to talk and we'll know. I want a friend. He/she don't have to share the same interest but to know me. I'm worry that someday I wake up and realize there's no one who cares for me in my life. I'm scared that I end up being alone. Old grumpy women and her own sorrow.

I desperately need a smile. I have no idea since when I lost it. How I wish the familiar evil laugh of Lai Yin could fill the air again. How I wish my smile will crawl back to my fat ugly face. Nothing seems to make me smile again. The smile that came from my heart had been taken away by my worries. How I wish I'm a kid again. No worries, no sorrow and all nice.

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Sorry readers, I apologies for my emotional post lately. I'm having a hard time. There are lots of things for me to sort and to think. Guess this is something that every growing man will have to face. But I'm just not ready to face it yet. I don't want to face this grown-up world yet. Save me from my stupid-ness for not wanting to grow up if possible.

Love,

Nichole @ Lai Yin