Surprises

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Song of the day:

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From the day I truly aware of things around me, I was never surprised by any surprises thrown by friends, not to mention by my another half. I never received flowers or gift delivered to me out of the blue (except from family members). I get disappointment more than surprises. Never had surprise birthday party. Never had surprise moments.

As time passed, I trend to lose faith. I stop expecting. I stop waiting for surprises. I stop dreaming. I stop believing in miracle. I stop believing in luck. I stop believing.

This year's birthday, I decided to not celebrate. I removed my birth date from all the social network. I did not make any plans. I did not tell anyone. As expected, only a handful remember. My best friend scolded me for being so silly. He says that I'm creating my own sadness. He was right, I am the culprit of my own depression. But I have really lose all my faith.

So I starting to keep my distance, build a wall within things and people I like. To protect myself. To keep myself away from more disappointment.

I start doing things I like. Doing things for myself. Buying things that no one will ever buy for me. Treating myself to good lunch. All by myself. Slowly, I became a loner.

But I wasn't sour. I always hope people around me to be happy. I always do things and help out people around me. Give advises consoling, encouragement, offering help, etc. And I wasn't hoping for any return. At least I know my friends will be fine, regardless they remembers me or not.

I may sound silly, but I have really lose faith in people.

May be I will find that faith again. May be someone will build that faith for me again. But for now, I've lost all my faith. I do not stand an important position in their heart. So let me be the one who carry their heart, with care.



Love,
Nichole